Stepmom Epiphanies

My divorce with my ex was difficult and contentious, no doubt. But no matter how angry I was, how deeply I was hurt, or how bitter I felt, I had one rule: never bash him on social media or in front of the kids.

For more than 10 years, I’ve followed that rule 90% of the time. (I’m only human, after all.) While I generally stick to the “don’t post when you’re angry” guideline, there have been moments when I aired my grievances online. Or, after another argument with my ex, I let a comment slip in front of the kids. Sound familiar?

Divorce is freaking hard. If you’re like me, you find yourself biting your tongue more often than you’d like. Even after all these years, I still check myself to ensure that when it comes to their father, my kids are free to form their own opinions.

In fact, I still remember how my oldest daughter would get angry with me because I refused to badmouth my ex, even when he constantly spoke poorly of me. As a teenager, she understandably wanted me to retaliate, but I rarely did. No good ever came from it.

But what about when your new husband’s ex-wife doesn’t have the same standards? What if she’s bashing him directly to the kids, within earshot, to family members (including your in laws), or online? How can you not be protective of the person you love, right?

As a stepmom mentor, I get this question ALL the time. And it’s no wonder — many stepmoms face the challenge of dealing with a high-conflict ex-wife. At the beginning of our relationship and blending, I was certainly there too. I struggled not to go on the attack when his ex would post a passive aggressive comment or do something hurtful to him. Even to this day, I feel very protective when she is not considerate of him as the father of their children or is not being a good co-parent. I’d find myself giving unsolicited advice on how my husband should handle it, convinced that I knew the best approach.

I’ll admit, there were even a few times at the beginning when I posted passive-aggressive comments in an attempt to “set things straight.” But who won in those situations? NO ONE. It only led to more fights, more drama, and more guilt because it wasn’t who I was or wanted to be.

When stepmoms ask me for advice when dealing with an ex that bashes, I offer these five things:

1. Stop stalking her. We’ve all done it — scrolling through the ex’s social media, looking for the next post. But it only brings pain, anger, anxiety, and unnecessary arguments with your husband. If you can’t help yourself, then do yourself a favor and block the ex. You’ll find more peace when you stop watching her every move. I’ve blocked his ex before, but as things got better and we were co-parenting more peacefully we began following each other. BUT the boundary I have is that I don’t get her updates or look at her profile unless she tags the kids or it pops up in my feed because a majority of our friends in common have reacted. This is, however, not for everyone and that is OKAY! Do what it is healthy for you and your peace. Another example is to this day I still have my ex-husband blocked. And that is just fine with me. It just depends on the ex and you.
   
2. Take the high road. I know it’s difficult to see now, but time will bring clarity to why you need to stop caring what they are saying and not say anything back. Plus, I have really taken the below quote by Anthony Hopkins to heart ESPECIALLY when it comes to exes and it has changed a lot for me:
   
   
3. Remember the kids and be an example. If she wants to bash you and/or your husband or be passive aggressive with her words or actions, then it will come back to haunt her in her relationship with the kids. My daughter, now an adult, understands why I never spoke poorly about her father, and she resents him for doing the opposite. In fact, they don’t even speak anymore because of how toxic he was when it came so many things. Be the parent or step-parent they can look up to.
   
4. Have compassion. As hard as it may be when you are feeling hurt yourself or protective of you spouse, remember that she’s hurting too. No one is perfect, including your husband. They both made mistakes in their marriage, and both are entitled to their feelings. Understand that she may be speaking from a place of pain, just as you may have done in the past. It doesn’t excuse actions, but it can explain them.
   
5. Let it go. I used to hate those words, but eventually, I realized they work. Because here is the harsh reality, my stepmom friend: YOU DO NOT AND CAN NOT CONTROL HER OR WHAT SHE SAYS. So why hang on to it? Instead, support your husband in the way he chooses to handle it, but don’t add fuel to the fire. If you need to express your opinion then be sure to provide your thoughts, but with no expectation he takes it. Because over stepping or requiring him to do what you say will likely only make things worse for you, your husband, and, most importantly, your stepkids.

With time, healing has come for my husband, his ex, and me. Things are still difficult at times with our exes, but they are certainly better than the first few years. And if turns out the exes chose to take the low, bitter road, then take a breath and just shrug and say, “It is what it is” and let it go.

Ultimately, the energy spent worrying about someone you can’t control is energy wasted. Instead, I choose to focus on my husband and our four beautiful children — and that, my friend, is 100% worth it.