Stepmom Epiphanies

Jealousy is irrational, I know—but every Second Wife feels it at some point. So why be jealous? I mean, I got the guy in the end, right? He chose me, he loves me, we go to bed together and cuddle every night, and he married me.

Yet, that damn green-eyed monster sneaks in more often than I’d like to admit. What am I jealous of? If I’m honest, it’s mostly about the “firsts” I didn’t get to share with him: the first wedding, first pregnancy, first apartment, first child (then second child), first international trip, first family vacation, and building his first house with his first wife. SO many firsts!!

I vividly remember struggling with jealousy when we built our home together. It’s a beautiful house for our blended family, but I would catch myself thinking, “Can this really be that special to him? It’s not his first house. He’s excited, but I’m sure it’s nothing compared to how he felt building his first home with her.” He often referenced lessons from that old house—practical stuff, which I do appreciate—but it stings, reminding me of how few firsts we’ve had together.

Is this line of thinking ridiculous? Absolutely. But are the feelings real? Unfortunately, yes.

So, how do I get past these moments? How do I silence the jealousy and avoid turning it into an unnecessary argument? (You know what I’m talking about—we’ve all been there!)

Here’s what helps me when I am struggling with jealousy:

• BREATHE. It sounds simple, but it’s effective. When I’m spiraling into irrational thoughts, taking a few deep breaths helps me refocus on gratitude and the good in front of me. I have a wonderful man, two amazing kids, two great stepkids, and a beautiful life.
  
• REMEMBER YOU’RE HIS LAST. After calming down, I remind myself that while I may not have had his firsts, I will have all his lasts—his last kiss, last travel buddy, last holidays, last house, last sexual partner, and so on. I am the woman he’s chosen to grow old with, and that means everything.
  
• I STILL GET FIRSTS! Yes, I missed some of the firsts, but there are so many other BIG firsts I get to still have with him. For example, he has never gotten his own cat. Instead of an ours baby, we got an ours kitty. That was a special experience. I get to also experience all the remaining key kid milestones (like birthdays, driving, vacations, relationships, graduations, traveling, and so much more). I got to be with him when he got his first boat! And finally, we get to go through all the later life stages, end-of-career accomplishments, retirement, and more together. How amazing is that!?!
  
• FORGIVE YOURSELF. Lastly, I have to forgive myself for feeling jealous. Sometimes I’ve had outbursts simply because I’m mad at myself for not keeping those feelings in check. Recognizing what I’m doing, taking a breath, and forgiving myself helps me move forward. And if it spills out and I unfairly take it out on him, then I apologize to him because it is not his fault (or mine) we found each other later in life. I am just grateful we are with each other now.

At the end of the day, if you’re a Second Wife and have moments of jealousy, just know that it’s normal. After doing a lot of research and reading my share of stepmom blogs and online forums, I realized I’m not alone—and that means you’re not alone, either.

We are amazing women, but we’re human too. And this is more than okay, it is wonderful. 🙂