Stepmom Epiphanies

Can you believe National Stepfamily Day was established 27 years ago? I know, it can be hard to think about celebrating a holiday that honors stepfamilies when you’re just trying to get through the day without losing it. I’ve been there (and sometimes, I still have those days).

For me, National Stepfamily Day has brought a range of emotions over the years. Some years, I truly want to celebrate, and other times, I just roll my eyes and laugh at the irony of “Happy Stepfamily Day.”

But over time, I’ve learned to appreciate it in my own way, just like the other holidays that touch my life. At the very least, I see it as a reminder to reflect—on where I’ve been, where I am, and where I want to go. Below are the things I do on the good years, and equally, on the tough years.

If you decide not to acknowledge the day and just let it pass like any other, that’s totally fine too. When it comes to holidays, you have to do what feels real and authentic for you.

The Good Years

If I’m having a good year, I celebrate it. That’s who I am—when my kids get good grades, I celebrate; when I finish a work project, I celebrate; even when I stay on a diet for more than a month, I celebrate. So why not celebrate a good year in my complex stepfamily dynamic?

Here’s how I celebrate Stepfamily Day when life has been good or at least stabilized (which, honestly, also deserves celebration):

• I like to start the day by sending a message of appreciation and love to our family chat with my husband and four kids. Sometimes I’ll pick a meme or a nice image holiday from Google, and if I’m really in the spirit, I’ll include a few pictures from vacations or goofy moments. These are the moments worth being grateful for amid the craziness of stepfamily life. Always a bonus when my husband joins in as well. 😊
• If time allows, I’ll bring home a treat for everyone to enjoy in celebrating our beautiful blended family. Plus, the kids always love a reason for a treat! Since I have girls out on their own, I might send them a gift card for a coffee too.
• I’ll send a separate text to each kid, telling them how much I love them and how grateful I am to have them in my life. I do this for both my bio kids and my stepkids. It’s good to remind them that they are loved and appreciated, especially when those feelings can get lost in the day-to-day grind.
• I make sure to find some quiet time, even if it’s just 15 minutes after the kids are in bed, to reflect with my husband on how far we’ve come. Yes, there are still tough days, but we get through them. I want him to know how grateful I am for him and our blended family. In the daily grind and drama, those moments of gratitude are easy to lose.

The Rough Years

On rough years, I don’t force the extras. When Stepfamily Day comes around and things haven’t been great, I take it down a notch and focus more on reflection. I give myself, my husband, and even the kids some grace—because it’s OK not to be OK and not feel happy about our family dynamic all the time.

• I usually still send a short and sweet text to our family chat, letting them know I love them and wish them a Happy Stepfamily Day. Even when things are tough, I don’t think ignoring it entirely (since I’ve acknowledged it before) is the right approach. It’s like wishing someone a Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas even when you’re upset—you still acknowledge the day.
• I still have a moment with my husband. On rough years, it’s brief. We may not discuss much, but I still tell him I love him, acknowledge the hard times, and remind him that we’ll get through it. One year, things were so tense that I just sent him a text. Surprisingly, he came upstairs, told me he appreciated it, and asked if I wanted to watch a show together. That small acknowledgment was the olive branch we needed.
• During the really tough years, I focus on giving myself extra love. When I feel like a failure because I don’t have the “happy stepfamily” everyone talks about, I focus on self-care. Maybe I’ll schedule a massage, meet a friend for coffee, or just enjoy some alone time with a good movie and wine. Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially when things are hard.

Whether you celebrate in a big way, keep it minimal, or let the day pass without fanfare, don’t let anyone pressure you into handling it a certain way. Just like everything in stepfamily life, there’s no one right way to do things. Do what’s best for you and your family.

That said, I do wish you a Happy Stepfamily Day. If you’re having a good year, I’m so happy for you—celebrate those wins! And if it’s a rough year, I see you, and you’re not alone. Either way, I hope you have a good day.